


Words That Were Never Said

by fangirl78123



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: 2019 Hunter X Hunter Big Bang, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Genei Ryodan | Phantom Troupe Member Gon Freecs, Hunter X Hunter Big Bang, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 04:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 18,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19881688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirl78123/pseuds/fangirl78123
Summary: Leorio caught Killua's wrist just as he moved for the kill. Killua couldn't even protest as he was hauled away. Away from Gon, still held tightly in Machi's iron-strong grip, not knowing that it would be the last time he would see him.Without Chrollo held hostage and the Phantom Troupe suddenly going off the radar, taking Gon with them, Killua returned back the assassin life to distract himself from the prospect of failing to save a friend.Now as the head of the Zoldyck family, Killua was determined to prove he was a worthy heir. To do this, he wasn't going to fail his first assassination.But what would he do if the target was a Spider? Specifically, Gon Freecss?[DISCONTINUED FIC]





	1. Damn, Gon Has Become Hotter

Green flames sputtered on torches fixed on pillars holding up the ceiling about eight metres high. It was like an invisible wind was going through the room, despite the place being devoid of windows, giving no indications whether it was day or night. The room was dimly lit, the flickering green fires the only source of light. 

At the end of the rectangular room, hidden in the darkness, sat a seventeen year old boy behind a small table. The scene resembled that of an ancient Chinese royalty’s study. Perhaps purposely, or merely it was because the family owning the manor had built the manor from deep Chinese/Japanese roots. 

Nevertheless, the boy seemed at home despite the odd style. Curiously, he had fluffy snowy white hair, flooding out in all directions like each individual hair strand had its own idea of neatness. The odd colour and condition of his hair can be seen either to give a false impression of an innocent boy to his targets, or either to hide those cold, dead, dark blue eyes he held - no one ever guessed. Even so, one look from him would make a lion scurry.

This boy here is the head of the famous family of assassins, and his name was-

A knock came from the oaken doors of his room. The boy looked up slowly, before saying a booming, “Come in.”

The doors to his room burst open, light pouring into the room, bringing out the images on the walls into full colour. There were traditional Japanese dragons curling and unfurling all around the walls, but this was not regarded by the curly haired, dark-skinned butler standing at attention at the room’s threshold.

“Master Killua,” the girl, Canary, bowed.

“What is it, Canary?” Killua drawled.

Hesitatingly, Canary walked the length of the room to sit respectfully with her knees tucked under her in front of Killua’s table. 

“You have a request, sir,” Canary said.

Killua sighed, opening his palm towards her. In them, Canary placed a file. Killua absently skimmed through them, as if he had done this a million times. He went through the conditions, the payment, the customer’s contact details, and the target’s details.

At this, Killua visibly frowned. Canary looked up in concern, for it was rare for her master to even pause in looking through his customer’s contract.

“Master Killua?” she asked nervously, only for the file to be shoved into her chest. 

Killua’s face was hidden in his hands, but a faint chuckle came from somewhere in those depths. “After all these years.” He then looked up to Canary with a smirk on his face, but that smirk did not reach his broken eyes. Canary had knew Killua too long to recognise that.

With a tentative nod from Killua, Canary, with shaking fingers, opened the file and looked through the information. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, with the usual ‘100 million Jennys for the kill’, ‘will pay after assassination’ yada yada, but when she finally arrived at the target’s information, she choked.

“No way…” Canary whispered.

“It’s him alright,” Killua said curtly. “Gon Freecss, also known as Spider Number 11 of the Phantom Troupe.”


	2. God Gives Killua Emotional Turmoil

After a night’s of contemplative thinking, of strategizing and strangling with his emotions, Killua finally made the decision of accepting the contract. Though, he had negotiated to postpone the time frame to complete his job, since the kill had to do with a member of the Phantom Troupe, the customer immediately obliged. What had Killua curious, however, was the motive behind the assassination. Killua hasn’t been out of the house for a while now, having recently just completed his training and becoming the head of the Zoldyck family, so he hasn’t been caught up with the news as of recently. 

Scars from his training were still visible along his arms and back, not yet fully healed, but give them a day or two and they would completely fade. For the moment, though, Killua decided to wear a long-sleeved blue turtleneck underneath a plain short-sleeved white shirt first to block out the scars - because no doubt they would attract attention.

Instead of the usual shorts, he decided to wear grey leggings to hide those scars on his legs. And after putting on a pair of sneakers, he emerged anew from the Zoldyck Manor, into his old world, but under a different name. 

Killua Zoldyck: Head of the Zoldyck family.

He had decided to take his first night of his contract off first, just to have some fresh air. After all, being cooped up in the Zoldyck Manor for four years isn’t exactly what one would call ‘Heaven’. 

Since being established as head, Killua was free to wander in and out of the Zoldyck compound without butlers tailing or spying his every step. All the way from the manor, through the forest and towards the front gates, Killua wondered what he should do for the night.

Clubbing? Nah, too vigour. Plus, he didn’t like getting drunk. 

Movies? Hmm...that would only make him more lonelier than he seem, with no one accompanying him.

Guess he’ll settle to go to the candy store and eat in a restaurant. He does need the space to think things through, after all.

Once out of the Zoldyck compound, Killua activated Godspeed, his Hatsu ability he learned through the training with the Zoldycks. The power involved changing his aura into electricity. Using this, he applied Speed of Lightning, which, true to its name, enables him to travel in a quick pace; though it was still nothing compared to lightning itself, it was considered fast enough. 

Not a moment later, he zapped onto the busy streets of the local town of Regenia, at the foot of Kukuroo Mountain.

Shops lined either side of the street, and since today was a Tuesday, stalls were opened and the street closed up to make way for the market. No one paid any attention to him, too busy shopping to even realised a person had materialised out of nothing from nowhere. 

He breathed in the fresh smell of food wafting in from the multiple food stalls, settling into the sound of merchants promoting their products, of people trampling and gossiping and laughing into the night. He grinned, shoving his hands into his pockets. He missed this.

He spotted the little candy shop that sold his favourite chocolates on his right, its window brightly lit by colourful lights, showcasing a box of overdue Valentines chocolates. Without further ado, he made a beeline towards it. The door tinkled cheerfully as he poked his head in, smiling broadly at the sight of his Chocorobos in stock at the shelf just inside of the shop. And, oh boy, the sweet scent of joy itself! The air smelled like a thousand candies combined together and then vaporized, giving the sensation of walking into what should be heaven.

Killua made his way under bright fluorescent lights hanging dangerously low. A shelf entirely stacked with Chocorobos stood grandly in front of him. Just his luck, then, Killua smirked.

He took his time choosing his precious Chocorobos, as only one in a hundred of them contains the limited edition of gold robots. And if he was to be the best number one Chocorobo fan, he would collect as much as his family’s wealth allowed him to purchase. Though after a lecture or two following similar incidences in the past, Killua had grudgingly held himself back to sixty boxes a month. 

When he had filled his arms with satisfyingly enough Chocorobos, he turned around to make his way to the counter, only to bump into someone. 

Instincts kicked in, and he quickly jumped backwards a good four feet, analysing the person in front of him for any signs of hostility. The person, however, groaned, having apparently fallen down. They sat up as they rubbed their head where they had fell on. Well, Killua did have a hard head, after all. Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Upon realising that the person probably wasn’t expecting him to turn around so suddenly, Killua said, “Hey, are you alright?”

The person looked up with hazel eyes into Killua’s electric blue. Killua inhaled a gasp.

Jet black hair, green at the tip, round, determined eyes, tan skin. 

He remembered the image of his target in the contract, and he knew who this person was immediately. 

No, he had to keep his emotions straight. Emotions are nothing but a nuisance, and it will only jeopardize a mission, his elder brother’s, Illumi’s, voice echoed in his head. 

“Owww, you don’t need to apologise, I’m fine! It’s my bad, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” The boy grinned sheepishly. In the blink of an eye, he was up on his feet, though still rubbing the back of his head. Then his eyes fell on the chocolates in Killua’s arms.

Just in that time, Killua managed to analyse every single detail of his clothing. Green sweatshirt, blue jeans, and neon green sports shoes. Ugh. How boring. If he had still been with-

Stop it, Killua scolded himself. Don’t even think about it.

Another thing he noticed was that Gon didn't seem to recognise him. Killua hadn't changed much, that's for sure, so even an idiot like Gon would recognise him from a mile away. Was it possible that he was manipulated to a certain extent that he willingly joined the Spiders? Killua had considered the possibility, but none of the Spiders - as far as he knew - could manipulate the mind. Pakunoda seemed suspicious,though what he can confirm was only that she could only extract pure memories. Unless, if they hunted for a person who could…

Or it could be a trap.

“Are you sure that’s a healthy amount?” the boy asked concerningly. “Seems quite a lot for-”

Play it cool, Killua told himself. If he doesn't recognise you, it's safer to act the same.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion,” Killua snarled, sending him a cold, threatening glare, letting out a bit of his bloodlust as a warning. “I’ve got to get going.” With that, he purposely bumped into his shoulder, going towards the counter without chancing a glance back. Though it took him almost all of his strength to not do so.

Stay cool, Killua. Stay cool. If you act normal enough, maybe be harsh to him a bit, he might forget this ever happened and hopefully make this mission easier. 

But of course, that didn’t happen.

“Wait up!” the boy caught up to him, that stupid grin still plastered on his face, hazel eyes sparkling. “Lemme treat you for dinner. As apology.”

Mentally groaning, Killua kept his mouth shut at his oh-so amazing luck. He paid for his chocolates and got them inside a bag, leaving the shop without even waiting for the beaming boy. 

He tried to lose him in the crowd, not too subtly. However, to his absolute misery, the green tips of the boy’s hair was constantly bobbing through the crowd in his direction. That pissed him off so much that he just wants to straight up walk towards the boy and slap him to Neptune.

Fine, Killua had to admit, he was not in a good mood today. The reason he got out of the manor was to escape the emotional turmoil churning inside him, only for whatever god that’s above look down and laugh. ‘Emotional turmoil? I’ll show you emotional turmoil!’

He could almost hear the distant cackle of the said god.

Finally, he gave up trying to run out of reach from the boy, as he just remembered that the boy had super smelling tricks so he might as well ask what he wanted and leave him alone. True to that, not one minute had he taken refuge from the bustling crowd of the market in an alleyway, the boy himself appeared and smiled at the sight of finally being able to catch up with his prey. 

Ugh, gods. Here comes human interaction.

“You’re fast, man! I nearly lost you several times in the crowd,” he said, giving half a grin, which only made him seem cu-

Stop it! Killua mentally slapped himself. 

Killua huffed, shoving his hands into his pockets, his goody bag slapping his thigh. “I can go way faster than that. I would have lost you if I wanted to.”

The boy tilted his head. “I bet I can still catch you.”

Killua rolled his eyes. “Sureee. Welp, nice talking to you. See ya.”

He turned around to leave. But to his utter shock, he felt warm hands catching his wrist, locking them in an iron-hard grip. He looked coldly into that burning hazel gaze that tossed his heart into his throat.

“You. Me. Dinner.” the boy said firmly.

“I-” Killua cleared his throat. “I already had dinner,” he lied easily. 

The boy's face fell, but then lit up as quickly. “We'll just wait for next time then. Can I have your number?”

Instantly, Killua froze over. He had to look at this from another point of view. The boy was Spider Number 11 of the Phantom Troupe - could it be that they were trying to hunt him down after four years?

“What for?” Killua found himself asking casually. He had to keep it cool, make sure the enemy doesn’t know of his suspicion.

“What do you mean what for?” the boy asked quizzically. “So that we can plan when to meet up, and I can treat you to eat.”

Killua thought for a few moments, weighing the pros and cons of giving his contact number. Finally he made the decision and sighed, gesturing for Gon to give him his phone.

A light blazed behind those already burning hazel eyes as he released Killua’s wrist and without any worry, passed his phone into Killua’s open hand. Killua briefly tapped the number into his phone before tossing it back.

“Text me 29458 and I’ll save your number,” Killua said. “Bye then.”

When he turned around this time, no hands or boy tried to stop him from leaving. However, he had only taken four steps when the boy called out, “My name’s Gon Freecss! What’s yours?”

“Killua,” he replied without looking back before slipping into the darkness, away from the jostling, bright street of Regenia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm kinda new on this AO3 thing //and prolly it's stupid for me to ask// but how do you italic texts here??


	3. A Spoiled Brat and A Pig

There was an echoing sound of a whip lashing out, and a fine line of blood splattered itself upon rough brick floor. 

A fat man in an oversized pink office shirt that strained under his size and with an equally large pair of trousers sat boredly on a wooden chair. In his porky left hand he held a lit smartphone in which his narrow black eyes seemed to be fixed on, while with his right, he held a long black whip that dangled by his side.

He was one of the two people within this small, square chamber. The other being Killua Zoldyck, shackled at the wrists and ankles, hanging lifelessly in chains trailing from the low ceiling. Only the dimmest of light illuminated his blood-stained face and his open chest bleeding from gashes from the whip. He was dressed in nothing but shorts, because no matter how harsh his family is, they respect people’s dignity like keeping their privates where they belong. 

The fat man whined at the episode of Virtual Waifu playing on his phone, then promptly lashed out the whip at the unmoving pale boy.

A crackling sound loud enough to make anyone flinch and cry out in sympathy filled the room. Surprisingly, though, the boy barely even grimaced. Instead, he looked up at the man with annoyed blue eyes.

“Can you actually focus on whipping me out at least?” Killua scowled, irritation written all over his face.

“Shut up, Killu.” The man barely chanced a glance at him. “Virtual Waifu just released a new episode an hour ago and I only came because you’re head.” At this, he frowned visibly, like something had just clicked in his peanut of a brain. “Hey, that means I’m basically whipping the head of the Zoldyck family. Gah! Why must I even follow orders from you.”

Killua sighed. “Fine, fine. Might as well you go enjoy your stupid anime.”

For once, Milluki actually looked up incredulously. “What’s gotten into you lately?”

“Nothing,” Killua easily replied, pulling off the shackles of his wrists with a loud BANG, followed by the clattering of iron on stone. Once he landed on his bare feet, he proceeded to force open the shackles on his ankles with his ankles alone.

“You’re a spoiled brat, you know that?” Milluki narrowed his eyes, which was unnecessary, seeing how dangerously close his eyes were to disappearing that Killua was actually slightly concerned.

“And you’re a pig,” Killua said smoothly, grabbing a shirt in the corner of the room and flipping it over his shoulder. “Welp, got an assassination to plot, so see ya!”

Killua sighed once he was out of the cell. Dammit, these little cuts stung but it would have been better if Milluki had actually broken a bone or two. Damn his stupid show from holding him back. 

It has been nearly five days since he had been trapped inside that cell he willingly entered. That meant no food or water and endless pain for five continuous days - but he rather that than face the thoughts that had been brooding in his mind ever since he met Gon.

Sure, he had expected them to meet sooner or later some day, but he more or less imagined he would be charging head first towards the Phantom Troupe and actually fighting them. He would rather that than face the emotional struggle he had in between proving he was a worthy head and keeping the family name by completing the assassination and killing his best friend he had thought he lost for four years.

If he was to be honest, though, now that Gon was so close to his reach, he wanted nothing more but to run away with-

Argh, curse his feelings. That would never happen. Despite how much he feared his eldest brother Illumi, he can’t help but be envious of his lack of emotions.

Upon reaching his room, he heard buzzing. Puzzled, he looked around to find his phone the source of it. He was about to walk towards it when his stomach growled loudly like- oh my god. Was he that hungry?

Hurriedly, he put on his shirt, caught his phone in the other and raced towards the kitchens to grab a snack. On the way, he picked up the phone call.

“Killua Zoldyck speaking,” he said.

“Master Killua.” He heard the familiar voice of his personal butler, Canary, speaking. “I have been trying to get to you for five days.”

“Sorry, been busy,” Killua said, jumping the stairs a flight each. “What did I miss?”

“20 missed calls and 54 texts from 29458.”

Killua groaned. Thank god he actually gave the backup number constantly supervised by a chosen butler instead of his own to Gon. He didn’t want Gon or his family interacting with each other yet. Chaos be bestowed when that day happens. “That little prick. Reply to him ‘what do you want’.”

“Yes, Master Killua.”

Ending the call, Killua shoved his phone into his shorts just as he arrived at the kitchen.

A dozen chefs were cooking, bustling and tossing food about making today’s lunch. The walls of the kitchen were painted peach, but barely any of it could be seen under the cover of the amount of dishwares, pots and pans hanging from them. Lining the lower part of the walls were counters, stoves and ovens, while in the centre a long, rectangular station was mainly used for preparation, chopping meat or making salad.

The master chef, the only one dressed in black in contrast to the white uniforms of the lower chefs, spotted Killua at once and ceased his shouting. Gruffly, he made his way over to Killua at the entrance.

“Why are you here, Master Killua?” he rumbled.

“Dungeon meal. Stat,” Killua said.

“Dungeon meal!” the master chef barked to the kitchen behind him, and a chorus of ‘Yes, sir!’ immediately answered him. In about three minutes, Killua was handed a garlic bread, mashed potatoes, gravy and mushroom soup.

“Thanks, guys!” Killua grinned. 

“Of course, Master,” the master chef replied almost like it was an impulse. “But you do know lunch is in an hour?”

“Jeez, Ray, my stomach ain’t anti-corrosive.” Killua rolled his eyes. “I haven’t been eating for five days - and I’ve been craving at least some chocolates!”

“Master Silva and Kikyo has banned that, Master Killua,” he said impassively. 

“Don’t need to add salt to the wound,” Killua grumbled.

Once he made his way to his room again, he set the warm, mouth-watering food he had on his table and plopped down graciously on his seat of a cushion. He hawked on the food but constantly kept his eyes on his doors in case someone barged in to see him eating his food in an unorthodox manner.

Upon finishing, heavy exhaustion fell over him and he felt his eyelids go heavy. He hadn’t been exactly having good sleep either, what with Milluki constantly playing his Virtual Waifu and the whipping. Fun times.

Though, he had a job before he could allow himself to fall asleep. 

Mumbling sleepily, he grabbed his phone, thumbed over his chats and came to the group named ‘OG Team’. He texted them a simple message before moving over to the back of his room, hidden behind a large, antique-styled Chinese panels behind his usual sitting place. 

Without further ado, he plopped himself into his comfy bed and allowed himself to fall into the dark embraces of sleep. 

Cause damn. With how the next few days would look like, he would be needing it.


	4. Leorio Tries To Be Empathetic

It’s been four years since either Leorio or Kurapika had met with Killua in person. Sure, they had the occasional text and call or two. But the more the years went by, the more distant Killua became.

Then the text had came.

He’s back.

Killua didn’t provide any further explanation, so Leorio could only grip his phone tightly. There was only one person that could be back that didn’t require to be provided further information, and that was the friend Killua had anguished over for so long.

“Kurapika!” Leorio yelled into the bathroom, where the water from the sink could be heard running. “Killua just texted us. He said he has found...him.”

Abruptly, the sound of the water ceased. The shoulder-haired blond opened the bathroom door, still in his pajamas with a toothbrush held frozen to his mouth. His usually tired grey eyes widened in disbelief, shock, and concern all that once. 

“I don’t think he’s OK,” Leorio confessed, swinging his long legs down from the cushion he had been putting them on so that he sat properly on the couch, entirely facing his blond boyfriend. “Seeing him like that...I don’t know what Killua could possibly be going through now.”

Kurapika scowled. He briefly gargled his mouth then wiped it on his sleeve. “Just book the plane tickets already, Jesus.” Then he promptly shut the bathroom door.

Leorio grinned in success, getting up to go over to get his laptop. But before he took even one step, the bathroom door opened again, a pair sharp grey eyes boring into him.

“I already had my mind made up, if you were thinking that you had me convinced.” Kurapika smirked wickedly. “Your convincing skills are as epic as ever.” 

Sputtering, Leorio tried to think of a comeback, but the door was already slammed into his face. He was pretty sure Kurapika was silently chuckling to himself at his fruitless attempt.


	5. Wanna Go To The Beach Alone? No Homo

There must be a reason why Gon was at the Republic of Padokea of all places. Killua had been clawing at every possibility just to satisfy his burning curiosity as he laid in his bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. Frustrated, he punched his soft bed. Unless if the customer had actually lured Gon over to the Republic of Padokea to make Killua’s mission easier, or if the Phantom Troupe was targeting a raid in the Republic, there was not much other reasons Gon could be here. 

Suddenly his phone rang. Groggily, Killua looked over to see that it was merely Canary. Clearing his throat to dispel the sleepiness from his throat, he put the phone to his ear and spoke into it, “Hello?”

“Master Killua, 29458 had been texting and calling non-stop ever since your reply.”

Killua laughed, then realised it might have sounded rude on Canary’s account of having to suffer through all that. “Sorry, sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed. Can you temporarily connect it over to my phone for a moment?”

“Sure. How long, Master Killua?”

“Two minutes will do.”

Once Killua had ended the call with Canary, he entered into the app specifically designed to be used by the Zoldyck family only. It served as a connecting app so that their phones could temporarily make use of any of the butler’s phones without actually exposing their location. 

He tapped it once, and immediately his phone screen showed him the chat between Gon and Canary. 

“Holy shit,” Killua muttered as he scrolled down.

Various texts of ‘hey’, ‘how are you?’, ‘what are you doing?’ to ‘why are you ignoring me?’ kept coming up. Killua couldn’t help but roll his eyes at how much he sounded like the Gon he remembered, like nothing had changed at all. But alas, everything has changed.

Tapping on the call button, Killua needn’t to wait for more than two seconds before the other line picked up, followed immediately by an ear-ringing, “KILLUAAAAAA!”

“Milluki’s waifu!” Killua cursed, phone nearly dropping off his bed. Only thanks to his super trained reflexes was he able to catch it before it hit the ground. “Keep your voice down or I’m ending this call this instant!” he hissed into the receiver once he settled back into his bed.

“What-? No! Don’t do that, please!” came the panicked reply of Gon.

Killua scoffed, but honestly, it was just to prevent the grin that threatened to form on his face. “I’m just kidding. But seriously, stop yelling. They can hear you all the way from Mars.”

Gon’s sheepish laugh came through - so familiar that it made Killua’s heart tap dance. “I’ve been told I got a loud voice. I was just worried - you hadn’t been talking for five days. Were you...trying to avoid me?”

Instantly whatever tap dance his heart had been doing stopped. He bit his lip, careful with his reply, “No, I wasn’t. I just had...family business.”

“Oh,” Gon said, humming thoughtfully. "OK."

There was an awkward silence for a while, both of them having their own information to absorb. 

“So, Killua,” Gon asked, jolting Killua out from his thoughts of rainbows. “You wanna go eat dinner tonight?”

Killua pretended to hum thoughtfully, a plan already formulating in his head. “No, I would not like that.”

“Wha- b-but-” Gon spluttered, and it was just so cute that Killua had to laugh.

“Baka, I’m not open for dates.” Killua smirked, allowing a few seconds for the message to sink in. 

“It’s not a date!” Gon insisted not too long later. “I just wanna treat you-”

“Meet me at the seaside instead. Tomorrow nine in the morning. I’ll see you there.”

“OK…” Gon said uneasily, Killua could imagine he was frowning. “I’ll bring some ice cream along?”

“Oh my god, Killu, you can’t eat ice cream in the morning!” Killua mimicked his mother. 

Gon's whining could be heard over the line. “You could've just said no.”

Killua grinned. “I’m a complicated person. Just bring yourself.”

“OK...see you then, Killua!”

“Yeah,” Killua said, slightly dazed at the actual mention of his name by his once best friend - when it was not shouted directly into his ear, of course. He swallowed, mustering up his courage. “I’ll see you soon...Gon.”


	6. Family Issues? Same Here!

When Killua arrived at the ‘seaside’, he didn’t expect to find Gon already waiting there. What he actually referred to at ‘seaside’ was actually a cove, blocked out to most of the other residents by the towering cliffs and hills that surrounded it. Though, he didn’t expect much less from Gon either. After all, Gon was the person that knew him - that once knew him - the most.

Gon had an umbrella propped up in the sand and two mats set side by side below it. He looked up when Killua arrived, and that stupid grin of his that never changed since he was little was on his face.

“Killua, you made it!” 

His child-like behaviour didn’t match his muscular tan body at all. Killua found himself staring at his abs and rippling biceps before shaking himself out of it.

Always keep your focus on the objective, Illumi’s voice echoed in his head. Never allow room for distractions.

How was he supposed to do this if Gon was the distraction?

“Let’s go swim first,” Killua suggested. “The water’s still cool, so we might as well do that before the sun becomes overbearing.”

“Great idea!” Gon beamed. Then he looked down at Killua’s pink shirt and blue shorts. “You going in clothed, or…”

Killua snorted, taking off his shirt and kicking off his sandals. “Swimming clothed is for pussies. I’m a man.”

Gon snickered. His eyes fell on Killua’s chest, then suddenly, all the blood seemed to be drained from his face.

“Killua, what-”

Confused, Killua looked down at his own chest to find the scars of the latest torturing incident still standing out profusely on his pale skin. He cursed internally - how could he forget?

“Ah,” Killua said slowly. “It’s nothing. I got into some sort of accident yesterday.”

“Huh.” Gon tilted his head. “Like what?”

“Like...um…” Killua noticed that Gon was staring at him with those annoying hazel eyes of his, so he said offhandedly, “None of your business”. It wouldn’t help if Gon knew the cause of all these scars. If possible, it could possibly lead him to finding out his job as an assassin.

Brows furrowing, Gon seemed like he wanted to question further, but decided to drop it. “OK, fine, but if I reach the sea first then you gotta tell me!”

Now it was Killua’s turn to splutter like a lost child, “W-wha-”

But Gon was already gone. 

Ha! He had been wanting to say that for years, and he finally got the chance to do it! If there weren’t a competition going on, he would have given himself a high five right then and there.

Activating Godspeed, he dashed at an alarming velocity with Speed of Lightning onto one of the cliffs overhanging the cove, feeling the salty ocean breeze on his face, whipping through his hair. He hadn't felt exhilaration in so long. Once he saw the end of a cliff, he leaped as far as he can, disabling Godspeed, then cannonballed into the sea.

The cool water felt relaxing as they engulfed him head to toe in their gentle embrace. Especially around his recent scars. Ah, that did the trick.

He wouldn’t have snapped out of his trance if not for a disturbance in the water that made him open his eyes, seeing that Gon had also dived into the water, right next to him.

Gon was probably slightly disoriented right now - that always happened when one dives into water. 

Never hesitate to kill, Illumi’s alluring voice urged in his head.

Killua found his hands morphing into blades - veins strained on his hands as his fingernails sharpened into a state more honed than any knife.

Every second is precious during an assassination, Illumi’s voice came again. To hesitate is to die.

Killua’s vision tunnelled at the unarmed body beside him. His sharpened hand moved back, then came for the jab that would grab a heart right out of its place-

He stopped. What was he doing? He had been about to kill his friend, actually about to kill him-

Then his head pounded a million times worse than the usual migraine he has. He flailed about in the water at the sudden pain, the cooling embrace of the water no longer relaxing but suffocating. He struggled to breathe, a stream of bubbles escaping his mouth and nose as he slowly lost consciousness. 

But a pair of arms hooked itself around his armpits and heaved him upwards, and he broke the water.

Gasping, Killua clung onto whoever that had saved him. Because damn, he thought he would die then and there. Though he deserved to, anyway. He had just tried to murder his friend.

“Hey, hey, Killua, are you alright?” the voice at his ear called. He stiffened upon recognising the tone. Oh, no.

He pushed Gon away with surprising force for someone who nearly drowned. In his heart, he felt a twinge of regret, but he also felt his panic cease, and the migraine fading as quickly as it had came. Did a jellyfish stun him without his notice?

“I-I’m fine,” Killua coughed. “Just- panicked a while. Can we get back on the beach?”

Gon's usual spiky hair was plastered to his scalp, like an octopus had stuck to his head. Killua felt the unnatural urge to adjust his hair out of his eyes.

“Your power's so cool though!” Gon insisted.

"Urgh, thanks, I guess," Killua muttered.

Killua was about to swim when he felt Gon wrapping his arm around him. He blushed, then slapped his arm away.

“Baka, I can swim on my own!”

Gon raised his hands up in surrender. Though when swimming back, Killua couldn't help but notice the constant glances at him as he trailed behind Gon.

When they were back on the beach, dripping wet and the sand crunching under their feet, Gon turned towards Killua.

"What happened back there?" he asked.

Killua took his time sitting down on the mat underneath the umbrella, ignoring how cold and how much he wanted to shiver in the slight breeze. 

"It's...probably just a jellyfish," Killua muttered. He massaged the front of his head, where the pain had been most strongest. All he felt now was a certain numbness at the area. 

He was distracted from the massaging by a can of Coke being shoved under his nose. Gon was seated beside him, holding it out to him, concern flickering in his eyes.

"We can just sun tan if you don't feel like doing extremes," Gon suggested. 

Killua laughed, but his brittle tone made it hard to believe. "Sure. It's relaxing here, anyway."

When he grabbed the Coke, his fingers accidentally brushed against Gon's and his stupid, stupid pathetic heart couldn't help but flutter at the feeling. 

Silence settled between them. Nothing else except their constant slurping could be heard over the soothing crashing of the waves at the shore and the occasional, echoing chirping of birds. 

Killua watched, mesmerised by how the waves receded and came and receded and came, like it was the breathing of some gigantic, mystical beast. The sun from above illuminated the colours of the umbrella, making his pale skin look a weird orange hue and the sand around them a funny green. 

"Hey, Killua, can I tell you something?"

Glancing beside him, Killua found Gon with his eyebrows scrunched together, lips pressed together into a thin line, forehead wrinkling, hands clenched around his knees; Killua had never seen Gon so tensed up. 

"You're the first friend I've made," he said when Killua didn't reply. "In my entire life. And I'm glad it's you."

Killua snorted. He was still the same old Gon alright. Merely a few days together and he considers them 'friends' already.

"I wonder why people would not be your friend," Killua said jokingly. Though, he knew perfectly well why. If Gon were to be with anyone else other than the Phantom Troupe, he might as well be a wolf trying to be a sheep. 

Then it struck him. Gon and him weren't that different after all. Once anybody knew his last name was Zoldyck, they would immediately steer clear of him.

The same it must be for Gon, Killua thought.

"Ah..." Gon chuckled nervously, rubbing his back of his head. "It's probably because of...family issues."

Killua knew what 'family issues' was, but he didn't press.

"Gon," Killua said slowly. "I wanna tell you a story."

This time, Gon turned to look at him, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. "What kind of story?"

"Shut up and listen. I once had a friend that I always hung out with. He was my first and only best friend I ever had."

Memories flashed across his mind. He was in a dark hotel lobby, a hand pulling his sharpened nails away from the Phantom Troupe, away from a younger Gon, who struggled helplessly in Machi, the pink-haired Spider's bone-crushing hug.

Gon didn't seem to care that Killua had a friend before him. "Hmmm...was. You're no longer best friends now. What happened?"

Killua gripped his can so hard that it crunched up like paper in his hand. Again, Gon didn't give any reaction at all, eyes fixed on nothing but Killua.

"He was taken from me. I never got to see him again."

"Do you miss him?"

The question caught Killua off-guard. He expected Gon to ask for more details, but he didn't know that he would actually give emotional support.

But then again. He was Gon Freecss - unpredictable till the end.

Killua allowed himself a little smile as he considered the thought. "As long as you're here, I won't miss him."

Gon pouted. "That's unfair! You should always miss him, so that he at least know you care for him."

Killua chuckled. "Yeah. You're right."

Then something flicked and the giddy feelings he had disappeared, replaced by grimness and responsibility. 

Gon must have noticed this because he said uneasily, "Killua…?"

“I have to go,” Killua said, already fitting his pink shirt over his head and ducking out of the umbrella. “Business to do.”

“But, Killua-” Gon started, but Killua had already disappeared. Just like he did six nights ago.


	7. Kalluto Tortures Paper

Tonight was the second last night before his time frame for the assassination ended. But Killua figured out he better get this quickly before his emotions got out of hand. He couldn’t do it alone, or else he might hesitate like how he did earlier. So he found himself knocking at his younger brother’s room.

“Come in,” came the reply.

Killua welcomed himself into the room. It wasn’t as dark or as large as Killua’s own room, but the Japanese style and lingering sense of superiority almost made it similar to Killua’s. 

The walls were decorated with cherry blossom trees and their falling petals scattering in a frozen wind. In the left corner was a study table with overhanging bookshelves stacked with storybooks his younger brother loved. Not that Killua knew much about it; of all of his three siblings, Kalluto was the one he least communicated with.

In the opposite corner was a queen sized bed, and on top of it perched Kalluto. 

Being the youngest sibling and their mother's favourite, Kalluto was constantly caught up in her dressing ups. Their mother had longed for a daughter, only to have four sons. Obviously, she was displeased by this, but Kalluto took it upon himself to volunteer for the dressing ups so that their mother would be content. 

Apparently, the dressing ups had grown onto him as he constantly wore kimonos daily - even if their mother wasn't around. Even now, he was wearing a black one decorated with petals of cherry blossoms that matched the wallpaper. Around him paper were strewn, halfway through his origami project, probably. In his hands he held a pair of scissors, as if he had been in the middle of snapping the paper for ruining his day. Pink eyes with barely a trace of light rested on Killua's face.

"Brother," Kalluto said indifferently.

"Hey, Kalluto," Killua greeted. "Sorry to intrude."

"That's fine," Kalluto said, putting his scissors down. "You usually don't find me, so I suppose it is something serious."

Killua grunted, "Yeah, it is. Say, you free for the night? I got a job, but I think I'll need help with this one."

Kalluto froze if only for a fraction of second, but Killua caught it. He decided to let it slide, however.

"So? What do you say?" Killua asked, tapping his feet.

"Of course. But you will be doing the assassinating part, right?" he asked, unwavering pink eyes boring into blue. It wasn't a question, it was verification.

"What else?" Killua said dismissively.

Kalluto nodded. "Alright then. I'll be ready to leave on your call."

Killua quirked an eyebrow. "Let's leave now, then."


	8. Backstabbing - That's What Friends Are For!

The abandoned flat was dark and quiet when he and Kalluto arrived. On the surface, there may seem to be devoid of a single living creature, much less human. But Killua knew otherwise. 

In the shelter of a broken down shed from the downpour of the heavy rain, he and Kalluto observed the grey flat, watching for any sign of movements and for possible escape routes when the mission was done. And it will be done. Killua had to prove he wasn’t the head of the Zoldyck family for nothing - and he wouldn’t let his first mission ruin it either.

“Second floor, room to the most right,” Killua told Kalluto, glancing at his phone, which showed the location of Gon’s phone. 

“Escape from jumping wouldn’t be fatal,” Kalluto said, eyes flickering to every single structure the building had. “Or we could use the stairs, which would be safer but slower. I say if there is chase, we use the windows. None, the stairs.”

Usually after an assassination, there would be no chase given, since the target and witnesses would be killed on the spot. But seeing that this case was different, Killua had told Kalluto to watch out for possibly stronger opponents. Gon might be with other members of the Phantom Troupe right now - they may even be walking right into their den.

Killua had told Kalluto that if they were to find there were more than four Troupe members there, they would immediately escape. No words will be exchanged, and there will be no staying behind. If any of them were to, the other had every right to abandon them.

“Be on the lookout. Keep your eyes sharp,” Killua said.

“Of course, brother,” Kalluto said curtly.

Using Zetsu, the technique to suppress their aura, both of them dashed in opposite directions. Killua turned his hood up to block the rain and to keep his warmth - so that when he fought, he was in optimal condition.

His footsteps barely made a sound, even when he stepped into a puddle. The wind and water splashing into his face were nothing but insignificant insects that he ignored. 

Upon arriving at the ground floor of the flat, he took off his soaked hoodie and discarded it on the ground. It would only weigh him down in a fight and during escaping. Instead, to hide his identity, he reached into his pocket for a black mask and wrapped it around the lower half of his face. With the brown contact lens and his face masked, the only thing recognisable about him was his shock of white hair, which he covered it with the second hoodie he was wearing underneath the first.

The stairs was where Kalluto predicted, right at the back of the building. Killua cautiously made his way up, his senses tingling for any eyes on him, or of any suspicious sounds over the howling of the wind and pounding of rain on glass.

Kalluto should be coming from the opposite side right now, leaving Killua possibly clear with the target in the room.

_Don’t show your bloodlust until the moment you kill them_ , Illumi’s voice whispered in his head. _Think of yourself as nothing but an object until then._

He emerged onto the second floor, where the hallway was littered with garbage scattered here and there. It may have been to disguise the fact that someone lived here, but the softness of the mat said otherwise - there had been people moving around here recently. 

Killua looked towards his left, where the room was supposed to be. He quickly checked his phone, the red dot still blinking, unmoving, at the same spot. Was Gon sleeping?

Shoving his phone into his pocket, he made his way casually, with his hands in his pockets, towards the room at the end of the hall. He stood in front of it, composing himself, then pushed open the door.

To find a fist coming for his face.

He only had a second to dodge, and he did just that. His heart raced from the sudden attack, but he quickly got over it. Apparently, Gon was the one who just nearly punched him, and seeing from how ready he was on attacking the first person who opened the door, it meant that he had expected them to come, which means that this was-

Gon came in again for another strike with his fist, but Killua merely leaned back and slapped it aside, sidestepping and coming in for a chop on his neck. However, Gon must have saw this coming, for he bent down and swiped his legs from underneath him, making Killua lose his balance and topple onto the matted floor.

Without wasting a second, with his eyes flaring an unnatural, predatory gold, Gon had leapt up on the opposite wall, onto the ceiling, and was coming down to Killua with his fist wrapped around with aura so powerful it glowed a sickly orange hue. 

What with Gon being an Enhancer, Killua did not want to be the victim of the punch.

He rolled aside and leapt away just in time for the floor where he was to collapse a full three metres, bringing down along with it chunks of rubble and Gon. 

His eyes couldn’t help but widen at the sight.

_If victory is not certain, run._

But it was his last chance. His only chance.

_Hurry. Run._

It was only a matter of time before Gon recovered and came back up the stairs. But Killua found himself frozen to the spot, unable to move a muscle, despite his brain, with Illumi’s voice, urging him to escape. Another part of him wanted to see this till the very end, but he couldn’t bring even his own feet to move, except only to escape.

But he didn't want to escape.

He tried to activate Godspeed, but before he could, he was turned around by the shoulder, and a leg was sweeping into his gut, making Killua gasp painfully. To further that up, his head was slammed downwards; despite seeing it coming, he couldn’t make himself block it. He was more than grateful for the mat as cushion, or his nose would have broken in addition to the head and chest pain.

His breathing came in ragged. However, he was surprised no further attacks came. It wasn’t like Gon to suddenly stop attacking for no reason. Killua got on his knees and hand, the other hand clamped around his midsection, where he sensed broken ribs. 

He found Gon staring at him, his eyes widened with shock. In his hand he held a black mask - Killua’s mask. Horrifically, Killua reached upwards to feel that his hair was exposed too.

“K-Killua…?” Gon stammered. The boy was shaking. The mask in his hand was squeezed to the point that his knuckles became white, and was that- tears brimming in his eyes?

_Run._

Electricity focused on Killua's hands and he slammed them into Gon, stunning the black-haired Spider. 

**Lightning Palm.**

Taking the chance, he scrambled for the other end of the hall. Kalluto, slinking coolly out of one of the rooms, yelped when he was scooped up into Killua’s arms, bridal style. 

Oblivious to Kalluto's spluttering, Killua jumped through a window, breaking through the glass like it was nothing. As he fell towards the rainwashed courtyard, the shattered fractures of glass lost in the rainwater dancing in the edges of his visions like supernatural butterflies, he felt a slight upward force acting on his feet. 

It was later he realised it was Kalluto trying to slow their fall with his Nen imbued confetti. He took note in his mind to thank and apologise to his younger brother later, but for now, they had to get out of here as soon as possible.

He switched into Godspeed in no time - which was odd, considering he couldn't do it as fast thirty seconds ago - wrapping the electrifying aura around him and Kalluto who squeaked, and broke into a full sprint with Speed of Lightning. 

As he ran back away from the abandoned flat and Gon, he could only feel he had left his pride, friendship and soul back at the doorstep where he had encountered Gon.

He had never felt so much like a failure.


	9. Killua Goes Into An Existential Crisis

It wasn’t an hour later a call from Gotoh came. 

He expected the old man to just tell him of usual news - perhaps discount sales for his Chocorobos, or scolding him for not attending dinner, or anything, anything else than-

“Master Killua, forgive for my disturbance, but something odd came up from the Testing Gate, and I thought you should be informed.”

Killua was in his bed, face planted into his pillow, and beside him, his phone was on speaker. 

“Watssit,” Killua mumbled, his voice muffled through the pillows.

“You don’t sound like you are well, Master Killua. Should I call a doctor?”

“No,” Killua sighed, lifting his head slightly to glance wearily at his phone. If only Gotoh was here in person. He would know how to comfort him. Despite him being his butler, Gotoh had been more a fatherly figure than his own biological father. Gotoh cared for him, and he appreciated that, but there were only so much words can convey - and Killua sucked at that part the most.

“Would you like some chocolates to cheer you up? You are always fond of them, Master Killua,” Gotoh suggested.

“I’m fine,” Killua said, picking up his phone and putting it in front of him. “What’s the news from the front gate? Milluki got a new game ordered or something?”

“No, in fact, Master Killua.” Gotoh sounded slightly exasperated, and that gained Killua’s curiosity. “Apparently, Gon had been insisting to meet you.”

Killua paused. Gon...here? Did he find out his identity after all this while, or did he follow-

Ah. He must have. His sense of smell was tragically acute, after all.

“Tell him off, please,” Killua said through gritted teeth. “If he bothers you anymore, tell him next time, I won’t be so hesitant.”

If Gotoh thought something was off, he did not show it. He answered firmly, “I understand, Master Killua. I hope you have a good rest. And drink lots of water. And-”

“Jeez, Gotoh!” Killua managed a small laugh. “A goodbye would do.”

He could almost imagine Gotoh smiling. “Alright then, Master Killua. Goodbye.”

The little smile on his lips immediately melted the moment the call ended. As much as he wished to talk more, to scream out the raging battle of emotions inside of him, he knew would go insane if he did.

It was best to hold it in.


	10. Killua Meets God- I Mean Dad

How many hours had passed as he stared at the ceiling, lost in the gloom? Minutes, hours, days? He doesn't remember. The throbbing of his ribs seemed distant. Canary had called him. Gon had been calling and texting. He told her to ignore it. He doesn't want to face reality. He wanted to disappear into nothing. Why must he be born into this life that tortured him with endless emotions? Why can't just be free for once?

Then a butler had told him his dad summoned him.

He had no choice but to go, of course. If it was any of his siblings, he could simply refuse (maybe except for Illumi), but if it was his dad or his grandpa, he couldn't just simply walk away.

"Alright," Killua said in a monotone, his voice emotionless. "I'll be coming."

The journey to his father's room was a blur. Thus he found himself seated on a chair, facing his father, his face illuminated by the blue lights so that every single perfect crater in his father's face was highlighted, giving him the impression of a god.

In his cushions, his dad sat with one leg propped up, supporting a dangling arm. A position that showed _no matter who you are, you are scum in my view._

Nothing personal, of course. 

His father's slitted, purple eyes narrowed at Killua's particularly solemn state, analysing and pulling everything that he could from his actions. Killua's tried not to meet his eyes, afraid that his father would be able to read his soul if he did. 

"Killu, are you alright?" his father said in a rough, carefully controlled voice.

"I-" Killua started, but found that he couldn't lie to his father. He wanted to say 'I'm fine', but his tongue refused to. Instead, he hung his head low, his bangs shielding his face. 

"I noticed your struggle in your first mission as head," his father conveyed, obviously talking about his broken ribs, but there was no concern evident in his tone. 

"Y-yeah. Being head is hard." Killua allowed a little smile. To his surprise, his father smiled right back. But rather than the sight being uplifting, it frightened him right into his bones. 

“I have a question for you, Killu,” his father continued in a similar tone. “And you must answer me honestly. Understand?”

Killua gulped. “Yes, father.”

“Why do you want to be head?”

He clenched his shaking hands, biting down on lips to prevent blurting his emotions out. He breathed in, and out, composing himself before meeting his father’s ever terrifying eyes like a snake’s, ready to lunge.

“To save Gon. That was the only reason I came back willingly. Four years ago, the Phantom Troupe turned him forcingly. At first I just wanted to distract myself. But then I remembered - if they wanted Gon to join their group, they would have kept him alive. Since then I've been training to become stronger. I need to if I were to rescue him from the Troupe’s clutches.”

Silva blinked owlishly. “You don’t underestimate them. That’s good. You still remember the warning I gave you and your brothers?”

Killua nodded grimly. When he was a kid, his father had said with the strictest tone, _‘Do not mess with the Phantom Troupe at all cost. Even I was barely able to defeat them.’_

“I have no doubt Gon is almost as strong as any of them now,” Killua confessed. “But he never wanted in the first place to join the Troupe, and I will respect his wishes as such and bring him back.”

“Yet you still accepted the contract to kill him.”

Killua opened his mouth, but no reply came. He tried again, but he couldn’t find the words to justify for his actions. It was entirely stupid, he now realised. His sole reason to return back to the Zoldyck estate was to train to rescue Gon, and somehow he winded up being the head of the Zoldyck family, with a contract he accepted without hesitation to assassinate Gon. What has gotten into him?

“You can cancel the assassination, Killu, if it’s bothering you so much.” His father’s voice seemed to come from a distant universe. “I will forgive you for dismissing the mission this one time.”

What felt like minutes later did Killua processed his words. His eyes widened, searching his father’s face for anything that may suggest he was joking, but his face was all the same - with seriousness etched in every shadow of his shallow cheekbones, eye sockets and wrinkles. 

“Why?” Killua whispered. 

His father got on his feet, closing the metre’s distance between him and Killua with one stride. Killua waited for the inevitable, screwing his eyes shut in fear.

Then he felt the softest sensation of gentle rubbing on his head. To his utter astonishment, he found that his father was stroking his head, running his large, calloused hands into his silky strands of pure white hair. His father had once did it, five years ago, when he had made a blood pact with Killua to never betray his friends. 

The memory was so painful, so long ago that it could have been fantasy, that he nearly broke down right then and there. He wanted to hug his father, but he knew the action would not be appreciated. 

“I am merely acting my part as your father.” His father bent down, so that they were at eye level. Purple into blue. Father into son. “I care about you.”

Then his mind must have short-circuited, because his father pulled him into a gentle embrace. An embrace he never had for seventeen years. An embrace his father was giving to show that _he cared._

Killua nearly believed him.


	11. Pakunoda Mom Mode Activated

Pakunoda didn’t know what to do with Gon. Ever since he returned from his wild chase of the assassin, he had been unusually solemn, which wasn’t like him at all.

Pakunoda had tried to speak to him. Amongst all the Spiders, she had taken the most liking of him and decided to treat the younger Spider like a son. She was the one who could get him talking when he won’t. She was the one who would cheer him up when upset.

But now she didn’t know what to do. Gon was in a whole new state of depression.

She had expected for him to recover the next morning. His mood was mostly unpredictable, but he would usually go back to his normal cherry state after a good night’s rest. However, that didn’t happen today.

When half the day passed without Gon getting out of his room, Pakunoda sighed. Enough was enough. She was going to confront him and make him spill the beans.

Walking across the tiny apartment room in three strides, she raised her hand in front of Gon’s door. 

And knocked.

“Come in,” came the muffled reply.

Upon entering Gon’s room, a frown found a way onto her hawk-like features as she saw that Gon was laying on his mattress, not even out of his pajamas, staring at his phone’s screen with a sad look on his face.

“What are you looking at?”

“Killua,” Gon said despairingly, his voice breaking. And so does Pakunoda’s heart. “He’s not replying. Or answered any of my calls. I-I’m worried.”

So this was all it was about. But why of all people Killua? Before the assassination, Gon was still normal - perhaps even cheerier. Pakunoda would have thanked Killua herself for making Gon happy, but she was sure her presence would not be welcomed; not after what happened four years ago.

“You should know Killua by now,” Pakunoda tried to reason. “Before he barely even replies to your texts and calls. Maybe he’s just busy.”

Gon scrunched up his eyebrows. “You don’t think he hates me, do you?”

The question caught her off guard. “No, of course not. Why would you say that?”

“He...he was the assassin I was chasing yesterday. Paku, I...I think he’s a Zoldyck.”

Pakunoda bit her mouth to avoid cursing. So he knew.

“Listen, sweetheart, why don’t we go out? Get some fresh air, hm?”

Gon’s hazel eyes softened at Pakunoda’s suggestion. He knew full well she was doing this for his sake. Perhaps he should stop worrying over nothing. After all, some fresh air might clear his head. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Right as he was about to put his phone away, a _ping!_ came from it.

Pakunoda and Gon both froze, eyeing the phone. Then Gon quickly turned it over to check the notification to find a text from Killua. Excitedly, he opened the chat, but his face fell from the only two words he sent:

_I’m sorry._


	12. For Once Hisoka Is Of Help

When Killua decided to track down the customer who requested for Gon’s assassination, he was furious to find the person was none other than-

“Hisoka,” Killua growled, his voice full of barely controlled rage.

The pedophilic clown smirked with lustrous delight as he stood up from the chair he had been occupying in his hotel room. Killua didn’t step back. Not this time. Instead, he morphed his hands into blades, ready to strike out when he saw an opening. He was stronger than he was the last time he met the clown, and he could probably defeat him now. But he must be careful not to get overconfident either, or he would be underestimating his target.

However, Hisoka merely appeared amused than wanting to fight.

“Why, hello, Killua, long time no see.” Hisoka licked his lips. “I see you’ve ripened quite well. Oh, that _murderous_ gleam in your eyes-”

“Why do you want Gon murdered? I thought Spiders weren't supposed to kill each other,” Killua hissed, advancing into the room so that he was within striking distance.

“Hmmm? Oh, that. Call it as a favour to your family.” Hisoka grinned as he saw terror trickling onto Killua’s features.

“Who-?” Killua snarled, but was interrupted by Hisoka.

“I can’t tell you, unfortunately,” Hisoka sighed. “He made me promise. But I figure you already know who it is, hm?”

_Illumi._

_Kalluto's hesitation...he must know about it too._

“Why did he do this?” Killua pressed. He wasn’t going to allow his only source of information slip out of his hand when he was so close. His family setting this entire thing up - it only angered him even more. Was he still being tested, despite being head?

Hisoka laughed. “I like how our conversation is going. Is this normally how you greet your old friends?”

“You were never a friend to me,” Killua hissed. “Stop changing the topic. Answer me.”

It was then Hisoka’s face dropped to one of seriousness. Killua stumbled in the sudden change. He didn’t know if the change in Hisoka's expression meant good or bad. Hopefully not the latter.

“Honestly, it would have been even more fun if he did tell me,” Hisoka said, the slightest tinge of disappointment in his voice. “Your brother is seriously no fun if he keeps this up, you know.”

Killua huffed, retracting his nails so that his hands returned back to normal. “I’ll pass the message. Is there anything else I should know?”

Hisoka grinned again, and Killua shuddered from under his gaze, or being even _near_ him. “I was the one who told Gon about the assassination plot, but I doubt the information would mean nothing to you now. At any rate, your siblings are probably all against you, whether they want to be or not.”

Truthfully, Killua wasn’t even surprised one bit.

“Well,” Killua said, shoving his hands into his pockets and walking back towards the door. “Thanks for the info. Hope we’ll never meet again.”

Hisoka chuckled. Without even looking at the clown, Killua could imagine him with that still ever awful smirk on his disgusting red lips, those beady, golden eyes so unlike Gon’s watching him. 

"The next time we do, I'll be standing over your dead body." was the last thing Hisoka purred as Killua slammed the hotel door shut.


	13. Gon's Gaydar Is Too Accurate

Killua had never felt the urge to kill Illumi this much before. To vent some of his anger, he went to his favourite shop around Regenia - a chocolate cafe that sold all sorts of deserts and drinks, all with _chocolate_. Ever since its opening, Killua had been coming here at least once a week. Not only for the chocolate, but also because of a certain barista that was his friend.

The instant he plopped himself down on one of the seats near the glass wall showing the evening Tuesday market street of Regenia, a messy white haired girl with pigtails walked up to him immediately. She was dressed in a pink tunic with a plain white shirt underneath it. Her thick, black eyebrows scrunched up in attention above her closed blind eyes as she asked loudly, “Would you like the menu, sir?”

Killua stifled a chortle. Apparently, this didn’t go unnoticed as the girl frowned. 

“Wait a minute,” the girl said. “Killua? Is that you?”

“Wow.” Killua laughed audibly now. “I wonder what gave it away.”

The girl harrumphed. “I-I was just pretending! I could tell by your quiet foot- stop laughing! Where have you been these days? You were missing for a week - that’s as far as unusual for you.” 

Before Killua could reply, the girl went back over to the counter at the other end of the shop and got Killua’s usual order - hot chocolate topped with a sprinkle of marshmallows. She came back over, putting the mug in front of Killua then proceeded to sit down unwelcomed on the seat in front of him.

“So,” the girl said with a tone of total seriousness. “What happened?”

Killua took his time to stir his chocolate before sipping it as long as he can. When he can no longer avoid the question, what with Komugi’s unfaltering interrogating expression, he put down his mug.

“Komugi.” Killua cleared his throat. “You remember Gon?” 

Komugi raised a thick eyebrow. She hadn’t met Gon exactly, but from the times Killua had came over to talk to her, she practically knows his whole life story better than everyone. Well, anyone except his old Gon, maybe. “That boy that you’re so obviously in love with. Yeah, what about it?”

Immediately, Killua felt his cheeks heat up against his will and a pressure squeezing his chest. He leaned in closer across the table to hiss venomously, “Will you keep it down? We’re in _public_.”

Komugi not so subtly giggled. “Are you two getting married? Oooh who proposed first?”

Killua wanted nothing more than to slap Komugi upside the head to shut her up, but he found himself pondering the thought of a possible future in which Gon and him lived as parents, perhaps far away in a countryside, or in the city Yorknew, where they had so much memories, with a child or two, bringing them to school-

 _Stop it_ , Killua thought to himself. _Your Gon was stolen away from you and there will be no way of retrieving him. If you get your hopes up, you’re only going to be in for one when the disappointment hits._

“Killua...?” 

Killua blinked. At first he thought Komugi had uttered his name as he spaced out, but he realised that her lips hadn't moved at all. If anything, she looked about as confused as him at the sudden mention of his name. 

Then there, at the entrance of the cafe, stood the person he wanted to see the most and the least. In a black hoodie and green sweatpants, the person stood frozen as his hazel eyes widened, emphasizing the warm, golden lights in his own stunning eyes.

Gon freaking Freecss had found him yet again.


	14. I'm An Assassin And You're Mafia. What's New?

Killua could barely think of a way to escape when the boy rushed forward, startling other customers in his wake as he leaped over tables and chairs until he made his way to their table.

"What the hell-" Killua started. 

But Gon was already blundering on. "I didn't mean to attack you whatsoever that night and your ribs are probably hurt- and I'm- I'm sorry I acted impulsively and tried to hurt you I swear, I swear, Killua, I would never hurt a friend. If you don't forgive me, I understand. You have every right to hate-"

"Whoa, whoa, what's going on?" Komugi interrupted, clearly realising she was missing something.

Killua cleared his throat awkwardly. He gestured to the seat opposite him for Gon to sit, but the blundering idiot sat down beside him. Killua fought back a twitch.

"Sorry, Komugi, I haven't introduced," Killua said, now more flustered for reasons he did not understand. "Uhm, Gon, this is Komugi. Komugi, Gon."

The tense muscles in Komugi relaxed. Then she stiffened again. “Wait. As in, Gon Freecss, your-”

“Friend!” Killua quickly cut in, chuckling anxiously. 

Thank god, Gon didn’t seem to notice anything suspicious. “You’ve heard about me?”

“Yeah,” Komugi smiled. “It’s hard not to. Killua talks about you _all the time_.”

Killua gritted his teeth. Komugi was hinting about the life Killua once had with his best buddy Gon, and to hint it so not subtly like that - it was a dangerous move.

“Any- anyway,” Killua stuttered hurriedly. _Why was he stuttering?_ “I...it’s my fault, Gon. You shouldn’t apologise for beating me up. I really deserved it.”

“Hey hey,” Komugi pouted. “Are you guys just gonna leave me out of this? I need the context!”

Killua chuckled as Gon blinked. “Ah, sorry, Komugi. I’ll come back to you later in a while, yeah?”

Komugi huffed as she stood up. Though, Killua noticed her fighting down a smile, like she was happy to give both of them time together. “Meanie.”

When Komugi had finally walked out of earshot, Gon looked with hurt in his eyes at Killua. “That was a bit mean, Killua. I mean, there’s nothing we’re hiding, right?”

A lump seemed to form in his throat as he lied, “No, of course not. We’re friends. But she could wait. I always come here, after all. She has plenty of time to catch up.”

Gon nodded, then gazed at Killua’s hot chocolate, out at the street, then the counter at the opposite side of the shop. Killua knew what was happening. Gon was feeling nervous.

“Alright,” Killua sighed. “I suppose I should fill you in.”

This time, when Gon met his gaze, his usually bright hazel eyes seemed more like a cornered animal’s. Killua’s heart twinged at the discomfort and fear he was causing his friend.

“I was hired to assassinate you by one of my family members,” Killua said casually, like he was merely stating the weather. “A test, I suppose. To see if I’m worthy of being head of the family.”

“The Zoldycks?” Gon asked, awe shining in his eyes. A reaction...Killua was not accustomed to. But then again, the first time Killua had told Gon his parents were assassins, he had curiously inquired, ‘Both of them?’

“Yep,” Killua said, sipping his hot chocolate, then letting out a soothing exhale. “I honestly have been under them for so long, I lost track of things. But I remember now. My objective.”

“Are you still gonna be killing me?” Gon tilted his head. Not a slight sign of fear. Killua smirked.

“Nah, I called it off. As much as I would love to kill my brother for plotting this against me, killing each other in the Zoldyck family is a big no-no, so there’s nothing I can do. Hm…maybe I can ban him from seeing Hisoka again.”

Gon's eyes practically flashed when Hisoka was mentioned. “Hisoka? You know him? How did you-”

“Hey, sit down, will ya?” Killua held both of his shoulders firmly - damn, his muscles are _thick_ \- and pushed him down.

“It’s a long story, how we met,” Killua continued in an undertone as inquisitive stares were shot their way. “Around five years ago.”

“Wow...I knew him around four years ago, though,” Gon confessed. Killua gave a snarky laugh.

 _He’s cute_ , Killua found himself thinking. Those hazel eyes had never changed, and his personality hadn’t much either - only his physical outlook, but it only seemed like an improvement of his younger self-

“Is there something on my nose?” Gon inquired, leaning forwards so that their faces were inches away from each other. Killua could almost see his own reflection back in the other’s eyes. “You were staring at me.”

“I- uh- what- ah, no, there’s nothing,” Killua spluttered, looking away to try to hide the blush creeping up his face. "Have you heard of personal space, _baka_?"

“Oh, sorry,” Gon said nonchalantly, plopping back down into his seat. This somewhat made Killua’s pounding heart more relaxed than earlier, but still beating in a faster pulse from their close contact. “Is it alright if I tell you something?”

Attention caught, he observed Gon’s serious expression - one that told Killua he wasn’t going to be joking around as usual or act like a kid. He meant business.

“What is it?” Killua asked.

“You...might be impulsed by me. I won’t blame you. You can avoid me afterwards all you want, and I _swear_ I will not try to run after you, OK?” Gon rambled, but expression still trained the same. 

"Sure, whatever. I've heard worse. Hit me up." Killua was slurping the last of his hot chocolate then. When Gon didn't reply, he tilted his mug slightly downwards so that he could see what was wrong. 

To find Gon passing him a folded note.

Opening it under the shadow of the table, Killua saw in Gon's familiar writing: _I'm a Spider of the Phantom Troupe._

"If you want proof," Gon blurted, his overwhelming energy now back. "I can show you my tattoo. It's underneath my thigh, though, so-"

"I believe you, alright," Killua huffed, passing the note back to a surprised Gon.

"Y-you're not scared?" Gon whispered, his voice a soft tone of awe. 

"Nope." Killua leaned back into his seat, putting his arms against his head. "I was told of your details prior to when the contract of your assassination was made."

"Oh, I see…" Gon hummed. He placed both his hands on his legs and said into his knees, "I like you, Killua. Usually when I tell people I'm a Spider, they instantly avoid me. You don't. And you became friends with me even knowing I'm a Spider."

This was the time. He should tell it now. Who knows what would happen when he went back to the Zoldyck estate - would Illumi be informed of what had happened and punish him for failing a mission? Or would his father be able to stop him, since he had given permission for Killua to cancel the assassination?

Now is the time to tell.

"Gon, about my best friend…" Killua started, swinging both his arms around so that they gripped the edges of his seat. 

"Yeah?" Gon asked, blinking. Apparently, he had been lost in thoughts. For some reason, Killua found himself being curious of it, but decided it would be for another time. 

"I...you remind me a lot of him, actually."

"Oh," Gon said sheepishly. "I do?"

"Yeah," Killua said, gathering his nerves. _He has to say it, no matter what._ "I...I actually...he was my first crush."

And there he said it. A fair amount of weight from his shoulders seemed to have lifted, replaced by apprehension. If Gon could connect the dots...

Gon pouted. "No fair! You're my first crush."

"W-wha- oh my god, Gon, do you have no sense of embarrassment?"

Killua forced himself to turn away. This was simply too much for his cheeks to handle.

"It's the truth!"

"Gon, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna kill you."

Chuckling. Gon actually _chuckled_ at his threat. “Aren’t we both just two big gays?”

Killua huffed, refusing to meet Gon’s stare. “Do I need to repeat myself twice?”

"Can I ask something?"

Killua contemplated for a while. If Gon was going to ask if he reciprocate his feelings, he would refuse to answer. But at the same time, the Gon he knew wouldn't ask such questions. Emotions was not his forte, after all. Though he was one emotional issue himself. 

"Shoot," Killua mumbled into his crossed arms. 

"Were you in Yorknew four years ago?"

Killua froze. 

"What...makes you say that?" Killua whispered, a hint of a threat now in his voice.

Gon immediately noticed. 

"I- ah…I overheard Nobunaga and Franklin talking about meeting a white-haired Zoldyck around that time. Said they wanted to recruit him originally and that he and I were inseparable-"

“Stop,” Killua said coldly. His voice demanded one to obey, or else.

“Killua? What’s wrong?” Gon asked, visibly concerned.

“Sorry,” Killua mumbled, realising how harsh he had commanded Gon. “I...I just feel uncomfortable talking about the Troupe. That’s all.”

“Oh,” Gon said. "Did they do something to you?"

Killua grimaced. "Kinda. But that's not important. Now, my turn to ask you something. Are you proud of being a Spider?” 

The question took Gon off-guard. But he didn’t hesitate to answer, “Yeah. I am. My family is really nice. Paku takes good care of me. Though, Hisoka, not so much. I get that weird vibe from him and he makes me shudder whenever I’m near him…” He trailed off, realising that Killua probably wasn’t appreciating the rambling. 

Suddenly, Killua stood up.

“Where are you going? Was I being too annoying?” Gon pleaded as Killua left a few cash notes and coins on the table for the hot chocolate. 

Killua took a moment to reply, “No, you’re not annoying, Gon. In fact, you’re...ah, nevermind. I’m happy to know the Troupe takes good care of you. But I’m tired. Let’s...meet up tomorrow, yeah?”

Gon hadn’t even got the chance to respond when the head of the Zoldyck family left, leaving him with three empty seats, a chocolate-stained mug, some change and a hollowness in his chest.

Something is about to go wrong. He knew it.


	15. Love Is In The Air

When Gon returned back to the apartment, he found Pakunoda sitting in on the worn out couch in the living room, sifting through newspaper with her legs crossed. Her short blonde hair covered her hawk-like features from view. She was wearing an exposing purple suit, like usual. Only when Gon crashed into the armchair did she look up, setting down the newspaper on the fragile coffee table.

“How did it go?” she asked.

“Is it normal, Paku?” Gon looked down at his hands, like blood might have stained them. “The more I’m around Killua, I feel as if my heart might jump out of my chest.”

Pakunoda smiled. “It’s called love, sweetheart.”

“No,” Gon insisted, looking into Pakunoda’s tired brown eyes with his own determined hazel ones. “We’re just friends, that’s all. There’s no... _love._ ”

 _Not when it’s one-sided, anyway_ , Gon thought miserably.

“Don’t give me that look, young man. I know you’re sad,” Pakunoda said sternly.

“How can I not! He always acts so cooped up, like he’s holding so many secrets...it makes me really curious! But it’s so hard to make him open up,” Gon whined. Then he remembered about the topics that had made Killua suddenly act jittery. “I think the Phantom Troupe is a sensitive topic...something happened four years ago, in Yorknew.”

Pakunoda sensed where this was going. She sighed, getting up towards the cabinet set against one wall - between the rooms of Gon and hers. Taking out a key, she unlocked it, then took out a box. 

She handed this box to Gon, who took it bewilderedly. 

“For your eighteenth birthday, Gon,” Pakunoda said gently. “You’re going to become an adult, and you should have the right to choose if you want to stay in the Troupe or not after this.”

Gon’s mouth went dry. What was Pakunoda talking about?

“Of course I would stay. I would never leave my family behind. You guys took care of me since I was a kid.”

Pakunoda chuckled. But there was no happiness in it, only sadness. Gon instantly bounded up from his seat to embrace Pakunoda. This stunned the woman, but she soon hugged back, patting the boy’s back affectionately. 

“Decide tomorrow if you want to know the truth, alright?” Pakunoda whispered softly into Gon’s ear. 

Gon buried his face deeper into Pakunoda’s collarbone. “No matter what happens, I’ll still love you, Paku.”

Pakunoda felt something prickling in the corners of her eyes. She closed them, hoping that they don’t spill. She pulled Gon closer into the hug as she murmured, “Neither will I.”


	16. Pakunoda Contemplates Her Life Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK so here the story starts to spiral out of control - in which the author does not get her emotions and plotting under control  
> Read on at your own risk

Gon blinked. He was in his bed in his and Pakunoda’s flat. An opened box, the one Pakunoda gave him yesterday, laid on its side on the bed in front of him. 

Gon attempted to recall back what happened a few seconds ago - it was as if he had just awaken from a vivid dream, and was trying to recall the dream itself. So close, yet out of reach.

As soon as he tried, a rush of memories consumed him.

It was as if his life was being played out in front of his eyes at a hundred times its speed, though he still somehow managed to absorb all of those information. Leaving Aunt Mito’s house, the Hunter Exam, the Zoldyck estate, Heaven’s Arena, the Phantom Troupe, and…

_Killua._

“Oh, no,” Gon muttered, horror dawning on his face. “I’m so stupid!”

He scrambled up from his bed, hurriedly changing into a white tank top and green shorts, gelling his mess of a hair and brushing his teeth all at once. The entire scene in the room was so full of activity that it was like a hurricane was taking place. Clothes, accessories, water droplets, a comb and somehow a stray plushie were being flung throughout the room as Gon rushed to prepare himself.

“What’s with all the noise?” Pakunoda had came personally to inspect the cacophony coming from Gon’s room, only to be nearly smacked in the face by a plushie. “Gon Freecss! What is the meaning of this? It's eight in the morning!”

“Sorry, Paku, can’t talk now!” 

A flash of green could be constantly seen darting around here and there. Rolling her eyes, Pakunoda closed back the door to let Gon settle with whatever he was doing. 

Just when she closed it though, the door was slammed open and she was pulled into an embrace from behind. 

Pakunoda chuckled amusingly. “Why with the sudden hug?”

“Thank you,” Gon muttered, then released Pakunoda, so that she could face him. “For everything. I remember now. Everything.”

Pakunoda raised an eyebrow. “Everything?”

“Everything,” Gon confirmed. 

“I’m bewildered why you aren’t killing me on the spot as we speak.”

Gon laughed. “Why would I? You took care of me, Paku. Like I promised last night! No matter what happens, I’ll still love you as a mother.”

Pakunoda allowed herself a smile at that. She wiped the corner of her eyes and sniffed.

“Paku?” Gon asked, worry filling his voice. “Why are you crying? Do you need some-”

“No, I’m fine, Gon,” Paku chortled. “I’m just...touched.”

“Oh,” Gon said sheepishly. “I’m...sorry?”

Pakunoda shook her head. “You don’t need to apologise for that, Gon.”

“Then what should I do?” Gon pouted. 

“What _were_ you about to do?” Pakunoda asked, trying to keep her hiccoughing to a minimum. Honestly, it was just embarrassing to tear up in front of Gon, but she just couldn’t hold it in. She should have at least the decency to keep the crying to the minimum.

“I was about to go to Killua’s!” Gon said excitedly, running on the spot like he was about to dash off any moment. Which considering the situation, was very likely to happen. “I think I figured out why he was so closed up now!”

 _And who his best friend is, if I’m not mistaken._ But he did not say that aloud.

“Do you want my help getting to him?” Pakunoda offered. “I can at least drive you over-”

“It’s OK,” Gon said immediately. “I don’t think Killua will like it if you came along. I don’t even think if he _wants_ to see me. But I gotta try!”

“Alright, then,” Pakunoda said. “Stay safe, then.”

“I will!” 

With that, Gon disappeared, leaving nothing behind but a trial of dust in his wake. Pakunoda smiled and looked up to the ceiling, as if she could see the sky beyond.

“I just hope I did the right thing,” Pakunoda sighed.


	17. The Family's Together Again!

Thoughts raced across his head as memories of a life he once had tried to fit itself into place in his own head. He remembered now - after being captured by the Spiders, he had profusely refused to join their numbers. Thus they took it upon themselves to send him to a person with the ability to hypnotise their targets. 

Trying to turn him over was a hard issue, he recalled. His stubborn little brain had apparently rooted this desire to deep memories, such as separating from Killua and Kurapika’s anger at unorthodox way the Phantom Troupe works. 

And what they had done to him. 

Gon shuddered at the thought of working together with the people responsible for mass murdering Kurapika’s entire clan, leaving him without a family and fueled with vengeance. That, he will not forgive the Spiders for doing. But could he forgive himself for doing similar deeds for the past four years?

He was so caught up in thought that he ran into two people, toppling the three of them over, followed by two thumps of heavy objects. A man cursed loudly, “Stupid brat!” while the other merely sighed.

“Oh, no, I’m so sorry!” Gon bounded onto his feet and quickly bowed. “It’s entirely my fault for not watching where I’m going!”

“Jeez, kid, watch where you’re running next time, OK?”

“Wait, is that you, Gon-?” 

Confused, Gon straightened his back to find that the two people he had bumped into were none other than-

“Gon!” the man who had cursed - Leorio, Gon remembered - looked flabbergasted at his appearance. The previously grumpy, cursing man disappeared, replaced by a worried looking dad. Gon knew - he got that look whenever he did something stupid and returned home to Pakunoda giving him that look. 

“You probably don’t remember us, Gon,” the blond man, slightly shorter than Leorio but still a few centimetres taller than Gon, Kurapika, said with a professional air. “But we’re your friends. We do not mean harm-”

Before he could continue, both he and Leorio were pulled into a crushing hug. The act stunned them into silence, but eventually they got over it and hugged back as lovingly back.

“How-” Leorio croaked, seemingly at the verge of tears.

“Pakunoda set me free,” Gon sighed into Leorio’s cologne-scented suit. He looked up into their faces which were so much closer now that he was taller. He tried to memorise every feature of their faces, afraid they might be wiped from his memory again. “I...I missed you guys.”

“Oh, Gon…” Kurapika gave a tired smiled, which was just about as endearing as it looked. The sight cheered Gon up from his previous thoughts. 

“We were so worried!” Leorio whisper-shouted, though there were no accusation the tone - only genuine concern. 

“Worry doesn’t cover it,” Kurapika corrected with a tiny laugh. He patted Gon’s back affectionately. 

"I'm sorry that I made you guys worried," Gon mumbled shamefully. "Especially you, Kurapika. I-I can't forgive myself for-"

"Shhh, Gon," Kurapika whispered gently, somehow voice still audible over the airport noises. Only they mattered right now - nothing else. The environment - noise and where they were - faded into the background as Gon buried himself deeper into Leorio and Kurapika's warm chests.

"You didn't have a choice. It's not your fault."

"But it _is_ ," Gon sobbed. 

"You weren't in control of your actions, then. The Gon I know wouldn't do that," Kurapika's soothing voice replied.

A few moments they three of them stood there, embracing each other's presence. Gon wouldn't mind if people stared. They can stare all they want and Gon would still hug.

But the moment was shattered when Leorio held Gon at a distance, breaking the group hug. He fixed Gon with his stern, dad-like glare, setting the mood into seriousness.

“Have you met Killua yet?” he demanded like it was a matter that would decide war.

“Yeah,” Gon nodded vigorously, quickly wiping away the tears threatening to spill. “That’s the thing. I just regained my memories-”

“You _what_?” Kurapika cut in harshly, though the harshness seemed not to be directed at Gon. That’s a relief, because Gon did not want to be on the other end of Kurapika’s anger at all. What happened four years ago to the previous Spider Number 11, Uvogin, was proof enough.

“I’ll explain later,” Gon promised. “But the last time we met yesterday, I was-”

“Still an oblivious _baka_?” Leorio smirked. Killua’s favourite word being mentioned was certainly nostalgic to the three. It reminded them of the time they first met at the Hunter Exam.

“Yeah, that’s one way you can put it.” Gon rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “What’re you guys doing here, anyways?”

Leorio crossed his arms. “Here to see you and Killua, of course.”

“Here to see me and-” Gon repeated stupidly, then realised where he was. On his left was the Dentora Region’s airport, with their automatic glass doors, tall white pillars to support a striped ceiling to block out the sun for the passengers standing around at the sidewalk as they wait for friends, relatives or taxis to pick them up. 

Kurapika had picked up their fallen luggage while Leorio was conversing with Gon, which was apparently the extra source of noise when Gon crashed into them.

“On another note, if you’re headed to Killua’s, might as well stay put,” Kurapika said.

“W-what?” Gon spluttered, slightly stumped. “Why?”

“We’ve texted him we’re arriving today. He should be here anytime soon-” Kurapika barely finished when a familiar voice shouted through the cacophony of cars honking and people chattering.

“Yo! There you guys are! Been looking everywhere for ya.”

From the crowd the white-haired Killua appeared, grinning broadly, wearing an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a white shirt and brown shorts. He was wringing a napkin in his hands. As he got closer, Gon realised that the napkin was stained red. An unnatural red. Like it was-

“Killua, is that _blood_?” Kurapika asked, horrified.

“I can tell blood when I see it,” Leorio said grimly. “What are doing with blood on your hands, young man?”

“Huh?” Killua looked genuinely puzzled, then glanced down at the blood-drenched napkin in his hands and laughed. “Oh, don’t worry, I just finished off a mission. It was on the way here, so I thought I might as well settle it.”

With barely a care in the world, and with three gaping mouths opened wide at him, he tossed the napkin into a garbage bin without even looking back at it. Then he shoved his partially clean hands into his shorts. “My car’s in the carpark. Let’s go, then.”

“Wait, Killua-” Gon bounded forward to catch Killua’s wrist, but to his surprise Killua moved it away at the right moment to put his arms across the back of his head.

Gon expected Killua to at least turn around and stick out his tongue at him - to mock him for being too slow and that he was faster than him. But to his utter confusion, the boy barely even stopped walking in the direction of glass doors, like…

Like Gon wasn’t there at all.

Leorio and Kurapika seemed to notice this as well. When Gon didn’t move from his spot, Leorio pulled him along while Kurapika tried furiously to talk to Killua who was waiting near the escalator. 

Leorio and Gon caught up just as the argument came to a climax.

“I don’t know whoever’s this... _person_ you’re talking about.” Killua was scowling now. “You can’t even utter their name properly!” 

“I did!” Kurapika argued exasperatedly. “Stop being a clueless fool! Just about a week ago we received that text from you and the love of your life is finally free from the Troupe’s clutches and you-”

“Repeat that again.” Killua’s eyebrows were scrunched up together in a thinking manner, but Gon knew he wasn’t actually thinking. He was about to mock them, but Kurapika, anger fueled by Killua’s stubborn obliviousness, went ahead and repeated what he said with a snarl.

“Love of my life,” Killua recited, tapping his chin. “That’s where you’re wrong, Kurapika. I never had any love for anybody. Love - emotions - are a distraction. It’s infuriating because I’m barely tolerating you guys.”

Kurapika paused at that, eyes widened in shock and hurt. Immediately, Leorio left a shell-shocked Gon to stride towards Killua. 

“Kid, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but you’ve got to stop this,” Leorio demanded.

Killua huffed nonchalantly. “Stop what?”

“Killua,” Gon whispered. The other two froze, eyes darting towards the hazel eyed boy whose body was shaking uncontrollably. “I-I’m sorry for leaving you for...so long. I should have realised your messages you were trying to tell me ever since we met at the candy shop. I...didn’t know I was leading you on. I should have realised sooner that something was wrong, that the Phantom Troupe had me under their thumb and were using me all along. Killua, I...I don’t know what you’ve been through, but please, can you forgive me?”

Leorio was wiping at the corners of his eyes while Kurapika was staring at Gon, grey, analytical eyes unwavering. However, when they turned back to Killua to see his reaction, it was to find him raising an eyebrow while looking between the two men constantly. He didn’t even look at _Gon_.

“Uh, you guys alright?” Killua asked.

Gon felt his whole world shatter into pieces right then and there. Killua wouldn’t ignore that. Something was wrong, and he knew it. What could have possibly happened that could have made him ignore Gon? 

‘I never had any love for anybody,’ he had said. The Killua he knew would desperately try to convince the other that he did not have love for anybody, not brush the statement aside. He was telling the truth, then, that he never had any love for anybody.

Then Gon remembered the night before at the chocolate shop, when Killua had indirectly confessed his...possible _crush_ at him. It was probably tormenting for him, and he wouldn’t have done so if he knew he had more time to spend with Gon.

No, he confessed out of desperation, and some part of Gon had suspected this ever since Killua had abruptly left. 

Speaking of that, Killua wouldn’t simply leave without a reason. Almost everything he did has a reason. Plus, he loved - or so Gon hoped - spending time with Gon and was overly protective of him - Gon mildly recalled that he had even been willing to give up his life to let Gon have a chance to escape the Spiders. 

No. This was not Killua.

He had changed overnight, and Gon could only deduce a few people that can only be responsible for this: the Zoldyck family.


	18. Where's Killua And What Have You Done To Him

Right then and there, Leorio seemed like he wanted to smack the living lights out of Killua, but luckily Kurapika appeared to have caught up to Gon’s train of thoughts and stopped Leorio just as he lunged.

Gon could only gather himself up and observe Killua, who was barely fazed by the commotion. The more he watched, the more he notice details that were off about him. Thinking back to how the Spiders had manipulated his will by wiping his memories, Gon could only hope that Killua wasn’t going through the same thing.

“Kurapika,” Gon said with barely controlled rage. Kurapika and Leorio stopped struggling against each other when they heard the frightening change in Gon’s tone. “I want to test something out. Please, ask Killua to stop being head of the Zoldycks.”

Kurapika opened his mouth but closed it a moment after seeing the look in Gon’s fiery golden gaze. He gulped, released Leorio, then slowly and nervously approached Killua, who had taken interest in an advertisement for chocolates on a large digital screen overhanging them.

“Killua,” Kurapika said in his sternest tone. “This is heading too far.”

Killua tore his gaze from the bright screen with a sigh. “What is heading too far? Me coming to fetch you and your boyfriend or you accusing me of ignoring this some _guy_ who’s supposed to be my crush?”

Gon clenched his fists to prevent himself from breaking down at how disgusted Killua had spoken of his crush, which may or may not be him. _This isn’t Killua speaking_ , he reminded himself. 

“You.” Kurapika stated firmly, poking a finger into his chest and easily closing the distance between them so that Killua was forced to look into the glowing red eyes of Kurapika’s. “Being the head was a mistake. You know it, and you hated it. Why are you being so upstuck about it _now_?”

Suddenly, Killua’s gaze dulled. Kurapika hastily took a step back from the amount of bloodlust coming off the boy. All of that menacing aura seemed to be aimed at one person: Kurapika. 

Gon sucked in a breath, bounding forwards to stand protectively in front of Kurapika with his arms opened wide. He knew it was no use, but he still had to _try_.

“Not a word, Kurapika,” Killua whispered threateningly, those crystal blue eyes of his now looking more like the endless depth of the ocean that could swallow a ship whole. “My decision is final. I was destined to be the heir of the Zoldycks since I was born, and I will proudly hold that position. Keep in mind, Kurapika, that I will not hesitate to tear out your heart anytime you ask me that again.”

That concluded it then.

Gon didn’t like to admit it. In fact, in doing so, he wanted to scream and pound the floor up. Because, not only was it the Zoldyck family’s fault was Killua being manipulated to the extent he was content of being the head of the Zoldycks; it was his fault too for being too weak to escape the Spiders. If he had been stronger, Killua would have never been forced back into the sickening control of his family. 

The charming boy Gon once knew wouldn’t have been reduced to nothing but a puppet of his own family.


	19. Gon Hops In Killua's Car Uninvited

This was stupid. Gon was stupid - but he felt like this was the only way. Since he was practically invisible to Killua for some reason, getting into the Zoldyck estate by Killua’s side shouldn’t seem like a problem. 

He didn’t expect it to be easy, though. Yet it was.

Gon sat quietly, unnoticed, in the back seat of Killua’s Veneno. Actually, not so quietly. He did all sorts of stuff, like blowing raspberries into Killua’s face, intentionally with tons of spit, but Killua dodged it as he leaned forward against the steering wheel to watch through lidded eyes for the traffic light to turn green at an intersection. 

Then he had waved his hands multiple times in front of Killua’s face to get no reaction at all. He tried holding Killua’s hand, but the other merely hummed as he reached for the gear stick to change gears or to take a sip of hot chocolate he had just bought from Komugi’s chocolate shop.

After a boring thirty minutes which felt almost like forever - what with Killua being oblivious to his presence - Gon nearly dozed off. 

But that was until, from the forest surrounding the road on either side of them, a tall, strong brick wall able to oppose the Great Wall of China appeared. Gon instantly snapped awake, gawking and pressing his face against the cold glass to observe the brick wall flashing endlessly by, like the body of a giant serpentine. They seemed to be following the wall as they- wait, they were climbing a mountain. How did Gon not notice?

To their left was the wall, while to their right that was previously a forest, was now a steep drop to Regenia, the village they had just left behind. Gon couldn’t help but get jittery as the adrenaline pumped through his veins at being so close to nature again. In the driver’s seat, Killua tapped his fingers on the steering wheel in a seemingly rhythmic fashion. But the longer Gon listened to it, the more he realised something was off.

Curious, he glanced over at Killua, who still had his eyes on the road.

The Spiders had taught him Morse code, as they insisted it was a compulsory technique to be learned for thieves. He never thought he would have to use it at this moment as the blood drained out of his face upon recognising the message being tapped out by a calm, humming Killua.

_Gon. Help._


	20. Don't Answer My Question With A Question

Once Killua had arrived at the Testing Gate of the Zoldyck estate, he got out of the driver’s seat, throwing the car keys to a butler who was waiting at the Gate. Gon immediately got out before the butler sniffed something fishy was going on. Even as casually as Gon moved to Killua’s side, he felt the butler’s eyes on his back all the while.

In the ‘guard house’, the old, balding groundskeeper of the Zoldyck estate, Zebro, happened to glance over. Gon waved enthusiastically, beaming as he did. With a mask of confusion, Zebro half-heartedly waved back.

There was a grinding of heavy stone and Gon looked over to see Killua single-handedly open six of the Testing Gates. The sight of Killua having grown stronger from three doors to six excited Gon. He practically cheered for Killua, despite the boy being unable to hear him.

Gon waved again at Zebro before sprinting after Killua before the doors grinded shut. Around them grew more trees, but this time, there was a narrow cobbled path winding through the forest. Killua was following it, so Gon followed. 

However, despite passing obstacle one, Gon couldn’t help but constantly check their surroundings. The last time he was here, when he was twelve, Killua’s mother and brother had seemingly appeared out of nowhere and shot down a friendly butler.

It took them merely forty five minutes to reach the Zoldyck Manor. Gon’s got to admit, under the evening sky, the Zoldyck Manor was given a mysterious aura that only emphasized the already horrifying features it had. What with their windows shaped like opened mouths, screaming into nothingness, frozen in time and white painted walls, so that they stood out like the pale, white skin of the dead. The roofs were beautifully tended to - not one rotten or missing tile could be seen. The entire structure loomed four stories tall, and possibly fifteen trucks long. 

All in all, the Zoldyck Manor was a terrifying sight. Like a mummy that had been tortured and yet still preserved in its most prestigious state, like a corpse to be showed off. The prospect was astonishing but disgusting. Gon wondered how Killua had been able to live in this zombie of a manor.

The inside of the house was nearly as creepy as the outside. Even more, Gon would add. The central hall had its ceiling two stories high, where a crystal chandelier that glinted like sharpened icicles hung. The wallpaper of the room was full out dark purple. The carpet under their feet had intricate designs of Japanese flowers curling around them, which only made the mood about one percent less threatening. Two curved sets of marble staircases, set at each end of the opposite wall, led up to the first floor. Between the embraces of the two staircases was a marble console table that held a grey vase of black and white flowers. 

Other than the staircases, the central hall led off two ways: to the left and to the right. 

With his hands in his shorts, Killua got up the stairs coolly, his footsteps barely making a sound. Gon was about to follow when he felt eyes on him. 

He leaped backwards automatically. Where he once stood, a golden needle with a spherical point was embedded deeply into the carpet, its tip quivering in the slightest. Gon sucked in a breath. That was _close._

“Well well, I must praise you for your hard work, Illu,” a high-pitched singsong voice called from somewhere from the first floor.

Gon grounded his feet into the carpet, ready to move at a moment’s notice. Apparently, he didn’t need to, as the enemies weren’t preparing for an ambush at all. From both the left and right doorways, emerged two people - one of whose sight made Gon’s blood boil.

Illumi, Killua’s eldest brother, stood with perfect posture. His slick black hair hadn’t changed the least, and neither did his impassive expression and black, hollow eyes. His pale skin made him seem to glow in the dark purple background of the central hall. Golden needles, similar to the one that had nearly stabbed Gon, were pinned onto his green jacket over a red crop top.

The other person, Kalluto, had shoulder-length raven hair, haunting pink eyes and a mole on his chin. He was wearing a black kimono with sakura petals and geta, which clacked loudly with every step. In his hand he held a simple paper fan, though Gon’s instincts told him to avoid that at all costs.

“Hello, Gon, long time no see,” Illumi said in a monotone. “I’m pretty sure you remember me and Kallu, yes?”

At the mention of his name, Kalluto tightened his grip on his paper fan, confirming Gon’s suspicion that it was his weapon. 

“What did you do to Killua?” Gon demanded, his voice quivering with rage. He clenched his fists, but did not attacked. Yet. 

This time, the voice from above answered instead. The clicking of a tongue was heard, then clacking of high heels on marble, until the woman herself appeared in all her terrifying glory. In a purple gown trimmed with white, silver visor covering her eyes, a wide brimmed hat with a large pink fluffy ball stacked on her head. 

“What did we do to Killu?” Killua’s mother asked innocently in that annoying high pitched voice of hers. “I think the question is: what did _you_ do to Killu?”


	21. Three Against One Is An Unfair Fight

_What did_ I _do to Killua?_

Gon bit his lip. There were many things he was guilty of, especially to Killua. But the thing he regretted the most was not even sparing a second thought about him after he joined the Phantom Troupe. While Killua had been forcingly pushed back without a choice back into the life of an assassin, Gon was busy stealing, laughing, killing those who stood in the way of the Phantom Troupe. 

But that didn’t mean Killua’s family had the right to treat him that way. 

“He’s finally lost his tongue,” Illumi pondered with interest. “He usually blabbers a lot. Mother, may I-?”

“Not yet, Illu,” KIllua’s mother shot harshly, but the eldest Zoldyck sibling barely batted an eye. “I wanna see how he holds up...they don’t call the Testing Gate the Door to Hades for no reason.”

“If you’re Killua’s mother…” Gon growled ferociously. “Then how could you...why would you force him to become an assassin?”

“Force him?” Killua’s mother repeated with a hint of surprise. “Dear Killu had accepted his position. He told us _that_ personally. Frankly, I think we should be the ones thanking you for showing that Killua truly does not need friends.”

At that, Gon snapped. He had been holding himself back for so long he knew he was about to go insane if he continued any longer. He launched himself forward so fast, he was before Illumi before the man realised. 

“Oh,” was all Illumi said before Gon smashed his aura wrapped fist into his cheek. Illumi went crashing through a wall satisfyingly. However, Gon didn’t wait to check if he was still conscious. He immediately turned on Kalluto, who had distanced himself a good ten metres away, surrounded by scraps of...was that _paper_?

“Wind!” Kalluto shouted, flapping his opened paper fan.

A stream of confetti flew as if attracted towards Gon, but Gon managed to dodge it with simply another one of his leaps, appearing beside Kalluto in a flash. He saw Kalluto stiffen, but he did not hesitate to wrap his fist in aura again as he swung for Kalluto’s chest-

However, his attack was blocked by Kalluto’s paper fan, which felt as strong as iron. What the hell? So this was Kalluto’s Hatsu?

“Enough!”

There was a bang and Gon was flying through the air, landing in a crumpled heap near the main door, his shirt smoking at where his heart was. He stared at it horrifyingly.

“If you don’t behave, sweetie, I’ll be sure to not miss your heart.” Killua’s mother smiled. “Kalluto, Illu, please restrain him.”

“Yes, mother,” Kalluto breathed. Before Gon could so much as move a muscle, his arms were wrapped in chains formed by confetti connected to the ground.

“Let go of-” Gon grunted, but gasped when the chains suddenly dragged him downwards like an anchor, slamming his entire body onto the floor so hard he felt his brain did the boogie woogie in his head. If it weren’t for the carpet, Gon was pretty sure several teeth might have popped out of its place. 

A presence loomed over Gon, leaking with bloodlust. Gon tried his hardest to pull at the paper chains, but he might as well have been trying to lift the entire world.

“You know, you’re right about one thing,” Illumi mused from above him. “Killu’s been acting out of his usual behaviour since a week ago. He was on the verge of quitting last night, so I did what I must to prevent the events that were about to happen. Killu had always been a rebellious little brother, but I know whenever he puts his mind to something, he will follow it till the end. I just had to implant a little needle into his own head-”

Gon screamed. He struggled even harder, with even more desperation, but the chains kept holding him down. His futile efforts slowly settled into the useless pounding of the carpet and his quiet sobs. He had failed Killua. His one chance, and he had failed to save Killua.

“I’m sorry, Killua,” he hiccoughed into the carpet as tears flowed freely from his eyes. “I’m so, so _sorry_.”

“He’s crying? That’s new,” Killua’s mother commented intriguingly at the shaking figure of Gon.

“Mother, he can’t do anything about now,” Kalluto said, giving Gon a non-pitiful side glance. “We should-”

“Yes, yes, you’re right, Kalluto,” Killua’s mother sighed. “Oh darling, Gon, if you’re listening, know that your efforts won’t be in vain. I have decided to do something special that may change your mind in surrendering.”

Gon visibly froze at that. Killua’s mother smiled to herself wickedly as she continued, “For exchange of your surrender, we will remove the needle from Killu’s head permanently.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise surprise! This will be where the fic was last left off. In actuality, this fic hasn't been updated for a few months now as I can't find any motivation to complete this. I'm really sorry!  
> There may be a tiny, small chance that I may regain my motivation in the future but for now, this fic is completed  
> Thanks for reading! Your kudos and comments are deeply appreciated :D
> 
> Also a shoutout to Faceless_Dude for making lovely arts about this fic!


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